| "Forward" from the book Fun Loving: How to Have A Practically Perfect Relationship |
FORWARD
I started writing this book with our children and grandchildren in mind. Jennifer and I have an unusually
good relationship; in fact, our good marriage may be the greatest legacy we leave. So, I began writing this
as a letter to our yet to be born descendents and their future spouses. I wanted to be personal and
intimate, revealing aspects of our lives and how we became so successful in our relationship. Though the
format has changed from letters to manuscript, I still consider my words a personal message to them.
Jennifer and I are experts. But we are not experts like relationship icons Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Phil
McGraw. Their research and clinical expertise sets them in a totally different realm than our expertise. We
are familiar with experts like them because we have read their books and attended their workshops. In
fact, much of what relationship experts have written about we have incorporated into our relationship.
When I first set out to write this as a book, I was going to include references to research done in the field
of relationships. A couple of factors made me change my mind.
First, I discovered that nearly every book written on relationships was full of statistics and references to
studies. So I thought I would be different. What if I wrote from the heart and just shared the secrets of our
success? I liked that idea.
Second, I found out that many references to statistics and studies are over generalized in many books. For
instance, a study was recently released about how married people are wealthier than divorced people.
“Now that,” I thought, “would be a great piece to include in my book.” So I contacted a professor friend and
I asked him if the study was reliable. He answered that it was a longitudinal study, which gave it more
credibility.
The problem, he said, is “how you generalize from the results.” He then gave me examples of how
different groups might use the information to further a specific agenda. I wondered how studies and
research had been “generalized” to fit many books on relationships. Then I realized that “generalizing”
was exactly what I intended to do with all the research I had found! I don’t think generalizing is necessarily
bad. . . but what it does is reduce the value of the research to the realm of “inspiration.” What I mean is that
more than anything else, generalized research and studies encourage or inspire the general public in
their relationships.
Encouraging and inspiring the general public is exactly what Jennifer and I want to do. We think we have a
great story that will make people want to grow in their relationships. So I decided not to use research and
studies, but to draw upon them and include them in the context of our story. You won’t find specific
references to Gottman, McGraw or others. . . but believe me. . . they are part of our story. Perhaps more
than anything else, we are good students.
As I said above, Jennifer and I are experts -- we are experts of our own relationship. We are what some
call “Marriage Masters.” Jennifer is a real estate broker and I am a clergy person. I think it is kind of cool
that a real estate broker and her minister husband wrote a book on relationships. It gives the work a
different kind of credibility. It is the story of a real relationship set in the real world with real people.
We are not relationship experts with Ph.D.s. We are experts with the practical experience of trial and error
over thirty plus years of life together. I do have a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Counseling. That
gives me a great background to draw from, but I never pursued licensure. To be honest, I did not
particularly like face to face psychotherapy. Sometimes I even found myself falling asleep during
sessions. I have practiced my craft in the context of congregational life. In the congregation, I work with
families from cradle to grave. The context is real life and the work is dynamic. I wish every clergy person
had the counseling background I have; I am sure they would benefit from it. A lot of what is presented here
I developed from pre-marital counseling and crisis counseling for troubled marriages. I also have a
Doctorate from the School of Theology at Fuller Seminary. This is where I developed my ideas about
culture and spirituality. My point is that while I have read widely and have plenty of experience working with
people, I claim only to be an expert of my own relationship.
Jennifer is an expert also. As a successful business woman and leader of a family business, she brings
her unique perspective to our project. People have a strong attachment to their property and money and
emotions run high in real estate transactions. Over the years she has honed her relationship skills in the
heat of raw real estate transactions. She knows about people’s Wall of Protection. And she knows how to
help them lower it. She truly is an expert in her field and well respected as a leader in the local real estate
community. She is ethical, professional and, more than that, she knows how to relate well to her clients
and colleagues. Consequently, her insights inform every section of our book. I find her feminine wisdom
to be practical and down to earth. It is a privilege for me to watch her work with people, helping them to buy
and sell homes, helping them to realize dreams. When we present our workshop together
the audience always comments especially about her contribution. It is refreshing to see a real life person
talk about real life issues. As you will see from her contributions, she is genuine and speaks from her
heart. She speaks with practical authority, not just as a clinician.
Essentially the book is divided into five parts and a conclusion. The first chapter sets forth a paradigm that
many people enjoy and see in their own relationships. I introduce the four pressures that every
relationship faces, including an interesting view about culture. I also introduce The Wall of Protection and
the need that every individual has for personal safety. Then I state that people only feel genuinely safe in
the presence of love. I use the acronym LOVE to fill out the rest of the book.
Next is the “L” chapter. The “L” stands for little things. Here I include a brief exposition on the three-fold
nature of love and how little things and affection are the epitome of love.
The “O” chapter is about how couples can develop a deep emotional connection by sharing their dreams.
The discerning reader will recognize John Gottman’s work in our discussion about sharing dreams.
The “V” chapter is about being “Victorious” as couple battle life’s problems together. Here I often speak
frankly, in the voice of Phil McGraw. . . “You know what to do . . . just do it.”
The “E” chapter (E stands for Eternity) is a wonderful essay about how to share a meaningful life together.
It is chock-full of ideas for you.
The final chapter contains some humor and a serious tone about how to ruin a perfectly good relationship
and summarizes our book in one-fell-swoop.
Each chapter has exercises to do, and let me say that you would be a fool to use this book without the
exercises. They are all tried and true -- so just do them.
A neat feature of our book is the dialogue between Jennifer and me at the end of each chapter (except the
summary chapter). These are actual discussions that Jennifer and I had about the chapters. I recorded
our discussions, edited them for the book and had Jennifer approve the final content. These are some of
my favorite parts of the book.
I can tell you honestly that the material in this book is the stuff that Jennifer and I actually do. I can also
honestly tell you that we are not the only ones who think we have a practically perfect marriage. My mother-
in- law will also testify that we have one heck of a good marriage. Now, if you can get your mother-in-law to
validate your marriage, then yours must be practically perfect too.
Jennifer and I wish you great love. May God’s love flow through your heart to your world.
I started writing this book with our children and grandchildren in mind. Jennifer and I have an unusually
good relationship; in fact, our good marriage may be the greatest legacy we leave. So, I began writing this
as a letter to our yet to be born descendents and their future spouses. I wanted to be personal and
intimate, revealing aspects of our lives and how we became so successful in our relationship. Though the
format has changed from letters to manuscript, I still consider my words a personal message to them.
Jennifer and I are experts. But we are not experts like relationship icons Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Phil
McGraw. Their research and clinical expertise sets them in a totally different realm than our expertise. We
are familiar with experts like them because we have read their books and attended their workshops. In
fact, much of what relationship experts have written about we have incorporated into our relationship.
When I first set out to write this as a book, I was going to include references to research done in the field
of relationships. A couple of factors made me change my mind.
First, I discovered that nearly every book written on relationships was full of statistics and references to
studies. So I thought I would be different. What if I wrote from the heart and just shared the secrets of our
success? I liked that idea.
Second, I found out that many references to statistics and studies are over generalized in many books. For
instance, a study was recently released about how married people are wealthier than divorced people.
“Now that,” I thought, “would be a great piece to include in my book.” So I contacted a professor friend and
I asked him if the study was reliable. He answered that it was a longitudinal study, which gave it more
credibility.
The problem, he said, is “how you generalize from the results.” He then gave me examples of how
different groups might use the information to further a specific agenda. I wondered how studies and
research had been “generalized” to fit many books on relationships. Then I realized that “generalizing”
was exactly what I intended to do with all the research I had found! I don’t think generalizing is necessarily
bad. . . but what it does is reduce the value of the research to the realm of “inspiration.” What I mean is that
more than anything else, generalized research and studies encourage or inspire the general public in
their relationships.
Encouraging and inspiring the general public is exactly what Jennifer and I want to do. We think we have a
great story that will make people want to grow in their relationships. So I decided not to use research and
studies, but to draw upon them and include them in the context of our story. You won’t find specific
references to Gottman, McGraw or others. . . but believe me. . . they are part of our story. Perhaps more
than anything else, we are good students.
As I said above, Jennifer and I are experts -- we are experts of our own relationship. We are what some
call “Marriage Masters.” Jennifer is a real estate broker and I am a clergy person. I think it is kind of cool
that a real estate broker and her minister husband wrote a book on relationships. It gives the work a
different kind of credibility. It is the story of a real relationship set in the real world with real people.
We are not relationship experts with Ph.D.s. We are experts with the practical experience of trial and error
over thirty plus years of life together. I do have a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Counseling. That
gives me a great background to draw from, but I never pursued licensure. To be honest, I did not
particularly like face to face psychotherapy. Sometimes I even found myself falling asleep during
sessions. I have practiced my craft in the context of congregational life. In the congregation, I work with
families from cradle to grave. The context is real life and the work is dynamic. I wish every clergy person
had the counseling background I have; I am sure they would benefit from it. A lot of what is presented here
I developed from pre-marital counseling and crisis counseling for troubled marriages. I also have a
Doctorate from the School of Theology at Fuller Seminary. This is where I developed my ideas about
culture and spirituality. My point is that while I have read widely and have plenty of experience working with
people, I claim only to be an expert of my own relationship.
Jennifer is an expert also. As a successful business woman and leader of a family business, she brings
her unique perspective to our project. People have a strong attachment to their property and money and
emotions run high in real estate transactions. Over the years she has honed her relationship skills in the
heat of raw real estate transactions. She knows about people’s Wall of Protection. And she knows how to
help them lower it. She truly is an expert in her field and well respected as a leader in the local real estate
community. She is ethical, professional and, more than that, she knows how to relate well to her clients
and colleagues. Consequently, her insights inform every section of our book. I find her feminine wisdom
to be practical and down to earth. It is a privilege for me to watch her work with people, helping them to buy
and sell homes, helping them to realize dreams. When we present our workshop together
the audience always comments especially about her contribution. It is refreshing to see a real life person
talk about real life issues. As you will see from her contributions, she is genuine and speaks from her
heart. She speaks with practical authority, not just as a clinician.
Essentially the book is divided into five parts and a conclusion. The first chapter sets forth a paradigm that
many people enjoy and see in their own relationships. I introduce the four pressures that every
relationship faces, including an interesting view about culture. I also introduce The Wall of Protection and
the need that every individual has for personal safety. Then I state that people only feel genuinely safe in
the presence of love. I use the acronym LOVE to fill out the rest of the book.
Next is the “L” chapter. The “L” stands for little things. Here I include a brief exposition on the three-fold
nature of love and how little things and affection are the epitome of love.
The “O” chapter is about how couples can develop a deep emotional connection by sharing their dreams.
The discerning reader will recognize John Gottman’s work in our discussion about sharing dreams.
The “V” chapter is about being “Victorious” as couple battle life’s problems together. Here I often speak
frankly, in the voice of Phil McGraw. . . “You know what to do . . . just do it.”
The “E” chapter (E stands for Eternity) is a wonderful essay about how to share a meaningful life together.
It is chock-full of ideas for you.
The final chapter contains some humor and a serious tone about how to ruin a perfectly good relationship
and summarizes our book in one-fell-swoop.
Each chapter has exercises to do, and let me say that you would be a fool to use this book without the
exercises. They are all tried and true -- so just do them.
A neat feature of our book is the dialogue between Jennifer and me at the end of each chapter (except the
summary chapter). These are actual discussions that Jennifer and I had about the chapters. I recorded
our discussions, edited them for the book and had Jennifer approve the final content. These are some of
my favorite parts of the book.
I can tell you honestly that the material in this book is the stuff that Jennifer and I actually do. I can also
honestly tell you that we are not the only ones who think we have a practically perfect marriage. My mother-
in- law will also testify that we have one heck of a good marriage. Now, if you can get your mother-in-law to
validate your marriage, then yours must be practically perfect too.
Jennifer and I wish you great love. May God’s love flow through your heart to your world.